No, I don't have kids. My husband and I are cheerfully child-free.
THERESA CAHILL
“SO, HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE?”
For most women, this is an ordinary, everyday question. It's a great icebreaker with someone you really don't know very well. After all, everyone has children, right?
When I answer that my husband, Darrin, and I have decided not to have children, the statement is usually met with bewilderment, silence, even disapproval. I can almost hear their thoughts. Why did we get married if we're not going to procreate? And it still seems far more acceptable for a man to declare he doesn't want children. How can I, as a woman, not want children? It is my duty. I have been equipped with the power to give life, and I choose not to use it. There must be something wrong with me. I have been called everything from selfish to child-hater. I actually had someone say to me, “Well, you probably abuse kids too, don't you?” I've been told that I'm “copping out on the future” by not replenishing the earth with new human beings. I used to feel embarrassed and uncomfortable, so I would lie and say that I couldn't have children.
I don't lie any more. I was tired of people's misplaced pity. There is a certain empowerment and freedom that comes from being child-free (note I didn't say childless). I can live my life at my pace and not be ruled by my children's schedules. I don't have to put in a “second shift” when I get home from work. I can kick off my shoes and do nothing, or I can go for a walk, take a class or help out at the local animal shelter.
According to the latest census, more and more Canadians are choosing not to have children. The number of married couples with dependent children is down 11 per cent, while the number of married couples without children is up seven per cent. Yet despite these statistics, too many politicians discount my vote. “Family values” seems to be their mantra. Many tax breaks and credits are reserved for parents only.
Discrimination in the workplace is also a significant issue for the child-free. Health plans usually cost the same for all employees, whether they are single or married, with or without children, yet families with children can cost the insurance companies far more. Parents who leave work early to watch Junior play soccer often assume their child-free co-workers will pick up the slack. One-year maternity leave, flex-time, and child-care days: non-parents don't, of course, get those perks — or anything remotely equivalent. Are employees with children any more important than those without?
There are many child-free people like my husband and me out there, and we live our lives just as other people do. We go to work. We go to the movies. We have friends and family who care about us and whom we care about. Just because we don't push our societal contributions in a stroller does not mean we have made none.
Parenthood is a choice, not an obligation, and it's a choice that should not be made lightly. To have children because you want someone to look after you in your old age, or because your family expects you to carry on the name, are just two in a long list of wrong reasons to have children.
Most child-free people I know have thought long and hard about the decision not to have children. We know that having a child is an enormous responsibility and our lives would never be the same. We know that statistics give any marriage a 50-per-cent chance of ending in divorce — and that having a child only increases that risk.
I feel strong in the knowledge that I have made a decision that is right for me and for my marriage. Darrin and I met on a blind date in 1991. Having previously been dumped by a man who wanted children, I made sure the topic came up early in the relationship. We had already clicked on so many levels and it was a great feeling to discover we had something else in common. We married nine years ago and I had my tubes tied five years ago, when I was 31.
A few years into our marriage, Darrin and I found our social life changing. Invitations to parties and weekend getaways had turned into invitations to baby showers and birthday parties. Our friends' discussions were all about teething and diaper-changing. Searching the Internet one day we came across the site for No Kidding! (www.nokidding.net), a not-for-profit social club for couples and singles who are not parents, for whatever reason. Founded in 1984 in Vancouver by Jerry Steinberg, it has grown to 88 chapters worldwide, including in the United Kingdom, United States, Korea, Ivory Coast and Canada, where there are 12. We thought it would be fun to start our own Burlington, Ont., chapter, and in 2001 we had our first get-together. Since then, we've held monthly meetings and organized more extensive activities: we've gone camping, for instance, and, most recently, held a fundraiser for breast cancer research. We help one another move. We count on each other. It feels like family.
Theresa Cahill lives with her husband in Burlington, Ont.
I am not alone!
The other day, I was talking to a few “married” friends that I work with and even they commented that single people are taken advantage of in the workplace. I mean, they recognize the unfair practice of people turning their heads when parents leave early and expecting the single workers to continue working. Where I work, sometimes, I really feel that management would have more respect for me if I were to have a baby. At least, they would not be quite so insistent that I work the God awful hours I do.
Honestly, I do tire of it. I stay at work all day and night, but I cannot expect my manager to do it because she has a kid. I am sorry, but considering the fact I do not get paid as much as she does and I am the one expected to bust my butt, I am being discriminated against in the workplace.
I am sure that will stir up some nasty debate. Everyone makes a choice, but there has to be some equality. The problem is locating that common ground.
Re: I am not alone!
Allow me to add this – married, child-free co-workers experience the same thing, so it is not just me. :-)
Re: I am not alone!
Yep – you are absolutely right! Not to mention that the non-childed carry a higher tax burden, and do NOT get the benefits. Try getting the so-called “safety net” if you haven’t popped out a brat or two.
I have to make a distinction: Your co-workers, are they child-free, or do they just not have children yet?
ChildFREE – doesn’t have them, doesn’t want them.
ChildLESS – doesn’t have them, but wants them.
Re: I am not alone!
One co-worker is child-LESS. However, she does feel the sting that it is okay to overburden her because someone else has to tend to his/her kids.
I don’t know – we are supposed to feel ashamed to make comments about adults with children. However, they do get the perks when it comes to having the families and the rest of us end up carrying the rest of the load.
Honestly, I am just tired of my manager and her managerial skills. It is okay to work me until I almost drop, but not okay for her to stay up there all night. I do not care if her position gives her more power – I am the one doing the grunt work for less than what I should be making.