GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, he asks that you take a few moments toanswer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

        1. How did you find out about your deity?
                ___ Newspaper
                ___ bible
                ___ torah
                ___ book of mormon
                ___ koran
                ___ divine inspiration
                ___ dead sea scrolls
                ___ my mama done tol’ me
                ___ near-death experience
                ___ near-life experience
                ___ national public radio
                ___ tabloid
                ___ burning shrubbery
                ___ other (specify): _____________

        2. Which model deity did you acquire?
                ___ Yahweh
                ___ father, son & holy ghost [trinity pak]
                ___ jehovah
                ___ jesus
                ___ krishna
                ___ zeus and entourage [olympus pak]
                ___ odin and entourage [valhalla pak]
                ___ allah
                ___ satan
                ___ gaia/mother earth/mother nature
                ___ god 1.0A (hairy thunderer)
                ___ god 1.0B (cosmic muffin)
                ___ none of the above; I was taken in by a false god

        3. Did your god come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
                ___ yes
                ___ no

        3a. If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
                ___ not eternal
                ___ finite in space/does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
                ___ not omniscient
                ___ not omnipotent
                ___ not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
                ___ permits sex outside of marriage
                ___ prohibits sex outside of marriage
                ___ makes mistakes (geraldo rivera, jesse helms)
                ___ makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
                ___ when beseeched, doesn’t stay beseeched
                ___ requires burnt offerings
                ___ requires virgin sacrifices
                ___ plays dice with the universe

        4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.
                ___ indoctrinated by parents
                ___ needed a reason to live
                ___ indoctrinated by society
                ___ needed focus in whom to despise
                ___ imaginary friend grew up
                ___ wanted to know jesus in the biblical sense
                ___ graduated from the tooth fairy
                ___ hate to think for myself
                ___ wanted to meet girls/boys
                ___ fear of death
                ___ wanted to piss off parents
                ___ needed a day away from work
                ___
desperate need for certainty
                ___ like organ music
                ___ need to feel morally superior
                ___ thought jerry falwell was cool
                ___ my shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

        5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
                ___ Mick Jagger
                ___ Rajneesh
                ___ baal
                ___ the almighty dollar
                ___ the flying spaghetti monster
                ___ cthulhu
                ___ bill gates
                ___ left-wing liberalism
                ___ the radical right
                ___ ra
                ___ beelzebub
                ___ barney t.b.p.d.
                ___ the great spirit
                ___ the great pumpkin
                ___ the sun
                ___ elvis
                ___ cindy crawford
                ___ the moon
                ___ tv news
                ___ burning shrubbery
                ___ Rev. Moon
                ___ other: ________________

        6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to god? Please check all that apply.
                ___ tarot
                ___ lottery
                ___ astrology
                ___ television
                ___ fortune cookies
                ___ ann landers
                ___ psychic friends network
                ___ dianetics
                ___ palmistry
                ___ playboy and/or playgirl
                ___ self-help books
                ___ sex, drugs, rock and roll
                ___ biorhythms
                ___ alcohol
                ___ bill clinton
                ___ george bush
                ___ tea leaves
                ___ est
                ___ compuserve
                ___ mantras
                ___ jimmy swaggert
                ___ crystals (not including crystal gayle)
                ___ human sacrifice
                ___ pyramids
                ___ wandering in a desert
                ___ burning shrubbery
                ___ barney t.b.p.d.
                ___ barney fife
                ___ other:___________

        7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

                a. More divine intervention
                b. Less divine intervention
                c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
                d. Don’t know…What’s divine intervention?

        8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5 his handling of the following:

            (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

        Disasters:
         &nb
sp;  flood            1 2 3 4 5
            famine            1 2 3 4 5
            earthquake        1 2 3 4 5
            war                1 2 3 4 5
            pestilence        1 2 3 4 5
            plague            1 2 3 4 5
            spam            1 2 3 4 5
            aol                1 2 3 4 5

        Miracles:
            rescues                                1 2 3 4 5
            spontaneous remissions                1 2 3 4 5
            stars hovering over jerkwater towns        1 2 3 4 5
            crying statues                        1 2 3 4 5
            water changing to wine                1 2 3 4 5
            walking on water                        1 2 3 4 5
            vcrs that set their own clocks            1 2 3 4 5
            saddam hussein still alive                1 2 3 4 5
            getting any sex whatsoever                1 2 3 4 5

        9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of god’s services? Sheet if necessary.)

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by october 31 you will be entered in the one free miracle of your choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of beings entered).