So I'm skimming the childfree groups today and I find this piece of insanity: This chyk, 19 years old, does not want children. She's trying to get a Mirena IUD, and is talking about her doctor, who she says is great and is going to great lengths to help her get this IUD:
“She also worked hard to find an in-network doctor who would be willing to put one in once I had been with my boyfriend for six months.“
Buh?
OK, great, the doc is listening to her patient and helping her get the health care she needs. But can someone please tell me just what the bloody fuck her boyfriend has to do with Her. Reproductive. Decision? And why does it matter that she's been with him for six months??
Why yes, I am still pissed off about having to sign a bloody permission slip for my husband to get his vasectomy three years ago. Never mind the hemming and hawing I got when I broached the subject of getting sterilized with the last poke'n'prod doc I went to – at thirty-eight years old.
But what if you change your miiiiiiiiiind?!?
You think I'd get that song and dance if I walked into an OB/GYN at 20 years old and said I wanted to get pregnant?
You think that maybe, just maybe, at 30-freaking-9 years old I might know that I do not want to bear and/or raise a child, period? That if I had any semblance of “maternal instinct” that it would have kicked in by now?
But it's different when it's your owwwn!
Yeah, I'm sure it is. But you know what? Sometimes “different” isn't “better”.
Bah.
Preach it, sistah. No one ever tells a 19-year-old girl who’s got baby rabies that she “might change her mind”, so why do us CF types get that shit?
Makes me mad.
Yah. What made me see red about that post is that it was the implication that it was difficult to find someone to do the IUD if she’d been with her boyfriend for less than six months. What?!? A boyfriend for cry’in out loud. We’re not talking about a life partner at this point, I’m pretty sure. And what if she didn’t have a patriarch, sorry, a boyfriend at all?
GAH!!!
Hrm. You know, I need to make a childfree icon.
The Choir here says Amen!
:)
I give you an awesome hug of awesome support. Childfree power?!?
Next time on your soapbox give my situation an showout. ;)I go not get the same about of support/information/benifits/money from the miltary as the other wives with children, evethough my husband is in the same sand box as theirs. I suppose or relationship is less valid in their eyes.
Oh … how I could rant. I knew at 18 I didn’t want to have kids. Everyone said I’d change my mind. Got married the first time at 25, still didn’t want kids. Everyone said I’d change my mind. Got married again, still didn’t want kids. Everyone insisted I was going to change my mind “now that you are getting older and time is running out.” Freaking BRAVO that time is running out. I have been looking forward to sending announcement cards to family members, friends and doctors to announce my menopausal state!
I love kids. I do. I love teaching them, and I am good at it (thought it does stress me right out). At the end of the class though, I want them to go the hell home with mom and dad. I can’t and won’t have them around me all the time. I’m not suited for it, and luckily I knew that before I had any. I wish more people figured that out before they had a houseful of them.
I remember all too well trying to convince doctors throughout my life that I wanted to get snipped … no go. I have no doubt that at 41, they’d still give me the “what if you change your mind” routine, you know, since time is so short now. Gah! Thank heavens I learned to read my body well enough that the rhythm method worked for me (can’t take the pill and other options didn’t seem like good options) and the fates obviously agreed with me that Orb didn’t need or want kids.
I only had one year where I thought we should have a kid, and looking back at that year, I can see that it was just a case of me being in a deep depression over my dad’s passing and my family nagging me about having kids non-stop. I’m so glad nothing came of that year when we were trying, because I swear … I’d have gone insane trying to raise a kid.
OK, so I ranted anyway. This sort of thing has always been one of my hot button issues, and you are absolutely right that if we walked in and said we WANTED to get pregnant, they’d be falling all over themselves to make sure we got what we needed. Don’t want kids? Suffer, because they’ll make it as hard to do that permanently as they can.
My mom still pesters me about it, so I have recently begun giving her weekly updates on the status of my progress to infertility. Not that it helps, but it makes me feel better.
The women who tend to regret getting sterilized and seek reversals tend to be those who have already had children, not us nulliparas.
This sort of thing has always been one of my hot button issues, and you are absolutely right that if we walked in and said we WANTED to get pregnant, they’d be falling all over themselves to make sure we got what we needed. Don’t want kids? Suffer, because they’ll make it as hard to do that permanently as they can.
Well said. :)
Well said. :)
Ditto, dollface. For both of yez.
HAHAHAHAHA
OMG! YES! At 41, what if you still want children? Give me a BREAK!
I just got done posting this later in the thread—I had a pap last year, when I was 39, and told the doc I wanted a tubal just in case my birth control failed.
She said, “Your son only has a few more years left at home, and lots of people facing an empty nest decide to have more children.”
How DARE these people make our choices FOR US? What gives them the right?
Re: HAHAHAHAHA
When I went in last year to see the doctor because I suspected I was pre-menopausal due to the hot flashes, he ran the tests on hormone levels and declared it was true. Then he said “I see you don’t have any kids yet. You better hurry, it’s almost too late.” Like I hadn’t sometime in the preceding 22 years of my sexual life and last 15 years of marriage NOT thought about needing to have kids before I headed into late maturity. I just rolled my eyes and informed him I needed to discuss birth control options, because if my periods became erratic, the rhythm method wasn’t going to work for me anymore, and I didn’t want ANY accidents to happen this late in life. He actually rolled his eyes and sighed. I couldn’t believe it.
I don’t even want to imagine going through pregnancy and raising a kid at this stage of life. I am too settled in my ways and just starting to feel “too old” to put up with any major changes to my existence. LOL!
Re: HAHAHAHAHA
OH, MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How DARE he suggest such a thing to you? Where does he get the balls big enough to say a thing like that? “You better hurry…” Does he not read about overpopulation & the strain on natural resources? Has he never heard of feminism? Freedom of choice?
Re: HAHAHAHAHA
We (Orb & I) live in Texas.
Do I have to say more? ;)
Re: HAHAHAHAHA
No.
Re: HAHAHAHAHA
Yup, and he was one of those older Good Old Boy doctors too. Ugh.
Re: HAHAHAHAHA
Tell me about it. He wasn’t my regular doctor (thank heavens), and he is most definitely on the list of people I do not want to see in the examining room ever again. I was pretty appalled and let the clinic know about it in no uncertain terms. Hopefully they talked to him about it so he doesn’t pop off stupidly with someone else, but I doubt it.
Re: HAHAHAHAHA
Sadly, I doubt it, too.
Oh, jesus. I love my kids, but I can grasp that they’re not for everyone. I can see a doctor’s concern over spaying an 18-year-old – I’ve certainly changed my mind and my priorities since I was 18. But at 38? I think you know what you want (or don’t want) by then.
As far as the boyfriend/IUD thing – HUH? Even if you thought a boyfriend deserved an opinion on such matters – and unless HE’S willing to get pregnant, I don’t think he does – it’s not like an IUD is forever! They DO come out, and you’re perfectly able to get pregnant afterwards… just ask my third child.
Oh, jesus. I love my kids, but I can grasp that they’re not for everyone. I can see a doctor’s concern over spaying an 18-year-old – I’ve certainly changed my mind and my priorities since I was 18. But at 38? I think you know what you want (or don’t want) by then.
I don’t buy that argument. If an 18-year-old is old enough to join the Army, she’s old enough to make her own reproductive choices. If she regrets it later – well, that’s the price of being an adult and taking responsibility for your actions.
Rather an unwanted spaying than an unwanted baby.
I don’t think 18 should be old enough to join the army, either. :\
OK, fine.
Are you pro-choice?
Then why shouldn’t a woman – a legal ADULT – have the right to a baby, to an abortion, or to a sterilization, regardless of your feelings on the matter?
For starters, I never said she shouldn’t have the right to sterilization – I said that I could see the doctor’s concern. Adulthood is subjective, and 18 is still very young. To paraphrase your other comment, if an 18-year-old isn’t old enough to buy a wine cooler, should she really be making permanent and potentially life-altering decisions?
And having a child isn’t a permanent and life-altering decision?
It is… but there are other ways to not have one.
I agree with you. Some people just KNOW themselves.
I’ve known my whole life I never wanted kids. I do have one, and I do love him, but he was a surprise that came when I was 26. I’d die if anything happened to him, however, I knew even before the age of 18 that I wasn’t parent material.
I’m still not, and I just turned 40.
He’s our only child, BTW. Gee. I wonder why that is? Hmm. Probably because having a litter of kids would drive me fucking NUTS?
If a person knows herself, she should be able to get a tubal ligation if she wants one, and that’s all there is to it.
My own doctor told me at the age of 20 I didn’t know what I wanted and to see him at 25. I did, and he said the same thing.
Have I ever in my life wanted to have more than one child? Absolutely not.
When you know, you just know.
can see a doctor’s concern over spaying an 18-year-old – I’ve certainly changed my mind and my priorities since I was 18. But at 38? I think you know what you want (or don’t want) by then
Are you concerned about an 18-year-old having a baby? She couldn’t possibly know what she wants at that age. And it’s such a permanent decision.
I agree. But permanent sterilization is not the only form of birth control.
Saw you in ToastedTuna’s LJ, think you’re cool. The only thing I could possibly come up with that the doc was thinking would be that the 19 year old might stop practicing safe sex and be at a higher risk of HIV if she’s not in an exclusive relationship. But hell, just give her a speech about how the IUD doesn’t prevent STDs, a total, “duh” anyway.
Yeah, and ‘s answer makes sense too – but the way it was presented :::shudder:::
And hi!! :)
Hi, you!
I’m in total agreement that a boyfriend should not have a say in a woman’s birth control methods. The only thing that comes to mind for me in this doctor’s logic is that IUDs actually tend to encourage more infections and pelvic inflammatory disease because the IUD in the uterus and the string hanging in the vagina act as “foreign bodies.” Maybe the doc wanted some assurance that the young woman wasn’t promiscuous and exposing herself to all kinds of things. But the logic is flawed, any way you look at it.
Nods – that makes at least some sense. :)
I never wanted to get an IUD – seemed… squicky to me. Luckily, birth control pills worked pretty well for me.
Hello — sorry for posting here — I’ve been trying to join acww_adult for a few days but haven’t been getting added to the community. The IRC room is empty (no one responds). Just trying to find out what kind of information you need from me.
Thanks!
No problem – I think you’re all set now though! Welcome to the group!
Yeah, that chat room isn’t used as much as it could be. Kinda goes in waves. :/
Amazing that they make you go through so much. I had a friend that at 25 wanted to get her tubes tied and they made her go to therapy first. just frickin crazy.
I wanna see her get this doctor. I think its bull that you can’t get sterilized unless you are 30 and have two kids! I wanna be sterile. But I did promise Ed I wouldn’t be anyway. Grrr.
Don’t get me started.
I actually DID go to the doctor at 20 and tell him I wanted a tubal ligation. He said, “See me when you’re 25.” So, I did. He said, “See me when you’re 30.”
Well, at the age of 26, I got pregnant with Sam. While I love him, and I’m glad he’s here, I resent being told I didn’t nkow what I wanted, and that I was too young to know what I wanted, etc. I resented someone else being in charge of my reproductive choices.
Did I change my mind about having kids? No. I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar, and decided to have Sam because, well, why should HE have to pay for the fact that the Pill failed me for the first time in the 8 years I’d been on it?
Do I look at people who have lots of kids and feel sorry for them? Damn skippy.
Have I ever wanted MORE than one child? Fuck no.
I’ll tell you something else, at my last pap smear, which was in September of 2005, when I was 39 and a half, I told the doctor that maybe we should tie my tubes just in case our current birth control failed. Know what she said?
“Your son only has a few more years at home with you. Lots of 40 somethings facing an empty nest decide to have one more child. You might want to.”
Do I need to say how pissed off I was?
I admire people who are childfree by choice. It’s not an easy lifestyle because EVERYONE expects you to breed, and EVERYONE says you’ll change your mind.
Some people aren’t cut out for parenting. Others might be cut out for it, but know they don’t want to do it day in and day out. That kind of thinking should be rewarded.